


Save Myself

by rebel_rebel_in_storybrooke



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Abuse, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M rating is for drug abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 19:40:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10997643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebel_rebel_in_storybrooke/pseuds/rebel_rebel_in_storybrooke
Summary: Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feelsI drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pillsAnd all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelfNo farewellSo before I save someone else, I've got to save myself





	Save Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Save Myself by Ed Sheeran 
> 
> The first time I heard this song, my mind immediately thought of Emma

Emma sat in the newly rebuilt “castle,” looking out over the ocean, mesmerized by the dark waves crashing on the moonlit beach. She sighed heavily, popping another expired Xanax she'd raided from Dark Star one night after investigating a potential break-in (which just turned out to be a wind-up toy that went off and tripped the alarm). She grimaced at the taste of the tablet on her tongue, washing it down quickly with the bottle of gin she'd brought with her.

_A few more of these and I might actually be numb enough to function._ She thought to herself, feeling the effects of the first three Xanax kicking in. A wave of empty numbness was washing over her, sped up and enhanced by the alcohol she _definitely_ shouldn't be taking them with. Oh well, what's the worst that could happen? She's the sheriff, it's not like she's going to get busted. She shook her head, taking another swig from the bottle as she was unpleasantly reminded of why she was doing this out here in the middle of the night, rather than in her own home. The home that currently housed one lovesick pirate, waiting for her to be his happy ending.

Everyone always wanted _something_ from her. After all, she was the _Saviour_. New monster in town? Call Emma. Gold raised your rent again? Well that's just evil, you should call Emma. Pongo run away for the thousandth time? Better fucking call Emma Swan, it's not like she has anything better to do. Or aspirations of her own that _don't_ involve solving everyone else's problems. She took another drink. The pleasant empty feeling was pretty strong now, the world was starting to shift in perspective to something more tolerable. She leaned her head against the side of the castle, feet dangling off the side. She began to zone out, just staring at the waves.

“Emma?” Emma jolted upright, knocking over her bottle, alcohol spilling over the wood.

“Fuck!” Emma scrambled with clumsy hands to try and right the bottle, her limbs not responding quite as quickly as they probably should. She glanced up to see Regina standing in front of her on the ground, a concerned look on her face.

“Emma are you _drunk?_ ” Regina asked, taking the now mostly empty bottle and setting it a safe distance away.

“No.” Emma said, trying to avoid eye contact. Regina followed her gaze, taking her chin roughly between her fingers, forcing Emma to look at her.

“Emma your pupils are huge, are you _on_ something?” She asked incredulously.

“What is your damage, Regina? What if I am, you're not my mother, you don't get to judge me.” Emma tried to subtly put the pill bottle back into her pocket, but Regina was quick to catch the movement. She snatched the bottle from Emma's hand, turning it to read the label.

“Emma, what is going on with you? These aren't even prescribed to you, and how many have you taken?” At Emma's huff of indignation, Regina sighed, rubbing a hand down her face. When she looked back at Emma, her expression had softened from one of apparent anger to one of tired concern. “Emma, I'm not judging you. I am the _last_ person who would judge you for doing this, but I just want to understand _why_ you're doing it.” She took Emma's hands in hers, eyes pleading. “I want to _help_.”

Emma looked down at their hands, absently rubbing her thumbs over Regina's knuckles. After a while, she finally spoke.

“It's this place. These _people_. I've given them everything I have, and all they ever want is more. I'm _drained_ , Regina. Life gets you down sometimes, so I just numb the way it feels. It makes it bearable, but every time it takes more to get to the bearable point. None of these people give a damn about me. Hell, I can't even _go home_ because there's a man sleeping in my bed who's convinced I'm his happy ending just because I was nice to him!” Regina stood and listened patiently, fighting the urge to interject. “I don't know what else to do. Every time I get thrust into these situations it feels like I don't have a choice. Like fate already made the decision for me. So I always end up between the devil and the danger, risking my life to save a stranger just because they need saving.” She paused.

“I guess that's just your Charming nature, darling.” Regina said softly, the barest hint of a sad smile on her lips.

“David says I remind him of Snow sometimes. But he's wrong. I'm not like her. She's this eternally hopeful bundle of cheer, facing every problem with a hope speech and a smile.” She shook her head, letting out a self-depreciating laugh. “And here I am, whining to you of all people about why I need to get obliterated to get by.”

“Emma...” Regina whispered, squeezing her hands. She looked as though she was fighting back tears.

“But it helps.” Emma sighed.

Regina let go of Emma's hands, tapping the side of her thigh to get her to move over. Emma offered her a hand as she pulled herself up to sit beside her on the castle. Once she was settled, Emma laced their fingers together, giving them a light squeeze. Regina wordlessly brought their hands up, stretching Emma's arm over her shoulders and resting their hands in her lap, leaning her head into Emma's shoulder. Emma leaned into the welcome embrace, laying her cheek on the top of Regina's head.

“What a pair we make, hm?” Regina said quietly after a while. “A strung out Saviour and the Evil Queen sitting in a castle by the sea.” Emma snorted at that.

“That's almost poetic.” She scrunched her face up in distaste. “Completely pathetic, but poetic.”

They sat there a while in comfortable silence, just watching the waves roll in. The pills Emma took were beginning to wear off, a bit of sober clarity creeping its way back into her mind.

“You know,” Emma spoke softly. “You're the only one who gets it. With all the good you've done for these people, not one of them has ever thanked you, and yet if I can't fix something immediately, you're the first person they call.”

“Emma, I cursed them all for 28 years, I'd hardly call that ‘helping.’”

“Well ya, but I mean, ever since the first curse broke, you've busted your ass trying to make up for that. I see it, why can't they?” Emma let out a frustrated sigh, squeezing her arm around Regina closer.

“I think I'll always just be the Evil Queen to them. No matter how hard I try, in their eyes I'll always owe them.” Regina snuggled closer to her, taking comfort in the embrace.

“Looks like we really do make quite the pair, your Majesty.” Emma chuckled.

“I suppose we do.”

They sat for a few minutes, the mood lightened a bit. After a while, Emma spoke.

“You ever think about that?” She asked tentatively.

“About what?”

“Us. Making quite the pair.” Emma shrugged. “Stranger things have happened.”

“I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it before.” Regina tilted her head up to look at Emma. “I didn't think that was something you'd be open to exploring. What with the pirate...”

Emma met her gaze with an exasperated laugh.

“Captain Hook? _Seriously?_ ” She laughed. “Look, I'm not saying I don't have a thing for hot brunettes in leather, but I prefer mine a bit more on the fairer side.”

“Oh.” Regina blushed.

“Besides, you smell better.” Emma added.

“Well I should certainly hope so. The man did apparently spend several hundred years _marinating_ in the same leather coat.” Regina shuddered.

“Meanwhile you spent my whole life just getting more beautiful.” Emma ran her unoccupied hand over Regina's cheek, smiling at the way the brunette leaned into her touch.

“Emma...” Her eyes slid closed as she tilted her chin up to close the little remaining distance between them. Emma sighed as their lips met, eyes falling closed as she reveled in the feeling of Regina's soft lips against her own. The kiss was tender, soft. Filled with emotions neither of them were truly ready to discuss. Soft lips pushed and pulled at each other, neither pressing for more, just content to keep things calm. When they finally separated, Emma placed a sweet kiss to Regina's forehead as she tucked her face back into Emma's shoulder, Emma holding her a little closer now.

“Regina?” Emma asked softly.

“Yes, Emma?”

“I do want this. But I can't right now. It's not you, I need to get myself sorted out. It's time I finally save myself.” Emma sighed. “Before I can love someone else, I need to figure out how to love myself. All I'm asking is that you wait for me.”

Regina simply snuggled deeper into the embrace.

“Darling, I've waited this long for you, I can wait a little while longer.” She paused. “And, if you need any help saving yourself, loving yourself, we have historically worked quite well as a team.”

Emma held her closer, her mind swirling with possibilities, with hope. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she had hope. Like her mother always said, believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing.

And she might just be holding hers.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be kind with these stories. Any of you that read a lot of my work will notice a trend of either lighthearted drug use or substance abuse with dark overtones. Most of what I write is based on my own first hand struggles with substance abuse, expressed through these characters. If they sometimes get too "authentic" sounding, that would be why.


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